was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
