Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
