I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
