You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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