your parents love me but you hate me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.