someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
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On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever