he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Success! We fucked roommates!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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