I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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