I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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