I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
