Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
