I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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