You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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