Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
