that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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