"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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