I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
