he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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