The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We're too hungover to prance.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
