Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
