we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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