there's paper in my vomit.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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