i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
