turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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