I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
