I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
