come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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