she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
