I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
