you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
