I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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