I hate your face
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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