I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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