Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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