I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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