Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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