Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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