Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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