Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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