um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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