I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
