It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sorry my hands just texted you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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