I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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