Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
