i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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