you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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