Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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