You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
