god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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