I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
