Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
