omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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