i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
