you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
