i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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