after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
